Handling Unsolicited Criticism

As a professional musician, I have lived much of my student and professional life within the context of criticism.  (I blogged about this recently.)  Solicited criticism is not  a bad thing, because, when applied, it has contributed to consistent musical growth.  In fact, one of my professors once told me that I would do well as a professional musician because I was teachable.  That’s always stuck with me.  May I continue to be teachable in all areas of my life.

However, I have learned that unsolicited criticism about my personal life, family, ministry, or business can elicit a totally different response from me: anger, frustration, tears, self-righteous indignation, fear, resentment, self-doubt, anxiety, etc.  And anyone leading a ministry for any length of time can tell you that criticism can sting just as bad from a hushed, passive-aggressive comment as a parishioner leaves church to the social media barb posted publicly to scratch anyone who accidentally stumbles across it.  Both can feel like a punch in the gut.

So, I want to share some of the ways I’ve learned and am still learning how to deal with unsolicited criticism.  I hope my process is helpful to you:

Dealing with Unsolicited Criticism

When the criticism is leveled against me personally or against the organization I lead, here are some questions I have learned to ask myself over the years:

• Is the criticism true?

• Was it spoken in love?

• Was it spoken out of a sincere desire to help me?

• Is the other person offended with me or were they hurt by me….or were they hurt by another leader?  If so, how do I deal with that offense or hurt?

• Is it a distraction?

Sometimes the criticism is completely false and is meant to only destroy and to distract, then I cast it before the Lord and let it go.  However, if there’s even a hint of truth in it, even if I didn’t appreciate the way in which it was delivered, I bring it before the Lord in the following way:

I take the specific criticism and (person who spoke it) in prayer before the Lord.  First off, I vent my feelings to Him.  Once I’ve calmed down a little (for real), I ask Him the following questions:

• What do you say about this, Father?  

• What should I glean from this; what am I supposed to learn?  (Sometimes the Lord uses people to bring His discipline into our lives.  The Bible teaches that the Lord disciplines those He loves - Hebrews 12:6).  Other questions to ask are, “Is this Your discipline?  Are you pruning me through this?"

• How should I respond?

Forgive

Whether or not the comment is true, if it stings me, I take a moment and forgive the person who spoke it.  If their motive was love and the criticism was meant for good, it can still hurt my feelings (which in no way means it was sin on their part to share).  At that point, my “forgiveness” is really my intentionally releasing them from any hard feelings I would want to harbor against them.  And I’ve learned over the years that if my feelings have gotten hurt, I know there’s something in my soul that the Lord is wanting to heal.  So, before the Lord, (out loud) I forgive them and bless them.  And sometimes I have to do this multiple times over the course of some days until I no longer feel the comment’s sting.

Remember that how we respond is even more important than the validity of the comment.  Pride goes before a fall. We need to be diligent to walk in humility, love, and grace, especially if the criticism is false.  God’s favor surrounds the righteous like a shield.  In moments like this, we must choose to come into agreement with Christ’s righteous nature that dwells inside of us through the blood of Jesus.  Ugliness is never a justified response.  We overcome pride with humility, chaos with shalom, and hate with love.

Phone a Friend?

When do we reach out to friends or family to help us navigate the criticism?  Besides my husband, I have a group of friends I ask to pray over things in my life.  When unsolicited criticisms come, without divulging details that would cast a particular individual in a bad light, I ask for their prayers.  I trust they hear from the Lord and He will speak to them.

And it goes without saying that gossip is never an appropriate response.  So be careful how you share and with whom you share.  Always speak with honor.

Gossip

What is my personal gauge as to what constitutes gossip?  When my motivation for sharing the information has no redeeming purpose behind it; when it secretly makes me feel better than the “poor soul” I’m talking about; when it’s salacious in nature.  In summary, if I wouldn’t share it with Jesus sitting next to me, I shouldn’t share it.

Seeking Counsel 

When the criticism affects my organization/business/ministry, I also seek the counsel of Godly men and women in my life.  KHOP has a board of directors, so I go to them for issues that directly affect KHOP.  I also have other colleagues and mentors whose advice I seek from time to time when dealing with issues.  I am so grateful that the Lord has surrounded me with amazing people whose wisdom and discernment I can lean on.  Sounds like a song I know….

I wish after all these years that I can say I always handle unsolicited criticism with perfect maturity.  I don’t, but the above process has certainly helped.  Here’s to learning how to grow together!