Wrestling with Disappointment

Some years ago, I remember sitting on the floor of our master bedroom, struggling with disappointment.  (The floor was, and still is, often the place I would sit when I wanted to spend time with the Lord.) I was leaning up next to the wall, thinking about all the hard stuff my husband and I had recently walked through and was continuing to walk through: an untimely and unwanted transition from our ministry positions, financial uncertainty, wondering if we should sell our home since we would soon be unable to afford it, and a struggle to see what the Lord was doing in the midst.  I was bummed.  Really bummed.  All I knew to do during that time was to dive into my secret place with the Lord.  I didn’t always have a prayer or a song….sometimes I just sat with Him and cried.

On this particular evening, I had the most unusual experience.  I sensed the Lord was laughing (in my spirit).  I was perplexed.  Why was He laughing?  Didn’t He know my feelings had been hurt by everything that went down?  Didn’t He know my dreams had been dashed?  Didn’t He know how embarrassing this whole situation was for me and my family?

Still He laughed.

And then I realized that He could see the road past the bend.  He knew the glorious things He had planned for us, and it was bringing Him great joy.  He wasn’t laughing at my sadness (and in reality at that point it could be more described as my private pity party); He was laughing over us.  He was laughing for how He was planning to demonstrate His goodness towards us.

Something shifted that evening.  His joy released strength into my heart.  His laughter gave me hope…hope that this transition wasn’t the end; hope that this transition was just the beginning of beautiful things.

This encounter didn’t necessarily mean my disappointment disappeared immediately.  It didn’t.  But my outlook began to be infused with a hope-filled expectation that good things were coming.

And in God’s timing, they most certainly did.

“Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!”

Nehemiah 8:10b

"The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.

Zephaniah 3:17

The Cotton Ball Dilemma: Lean In, Listen, & Learn

So, I had a dream that one of my favorite worship leaders (an African American man) was trying to speak with me, but I couldn’t hear him very well.  I was frustrated I could not understand what he was trying to say so I kept leaning in closer and closer to him so I could hopefully make out his words.  As I drew closer, I suddenly realized that I had cotton balls in my right ear.  I pulled them out so I could finally hear what he was saying.

When I awoke and wrote the dream down, I understood that God was saying.  I believe the cotton represented political bias (my right ear, meaning I lean right in my politics, which I admittedly do) was causing deafness towards my African American brother.  I could not fully hear him until #1 - I moved closer to him and #2 - I removed my political bias so I could hear his words without obstruction.

Am I saying that leaning to the right is wrong?  Not at all.  I enjoy being a conservative when it comes to politics and do so because of my interpretation and application of Biblical principles.  However, being a conservative in my voting record and in my views on certain issues is totally different than being deafened by a political, partisan spirit.  I believe the Lord was warning me of being influenced by political bias.   Any political bias that blinds and deafens us to the cry of another people group needs to be removed from our mindset, no matter if it leans left, right, or somewhere else.  Our identity as a son or daughter of God is what defines us, not our political bent.

So, I had to ask myself questions such as, “What am I watching?”  Does everything I watch on the news decry the other side as demonic and evil?  What am I reading?  Does everything I read make people that disagree with me look bad?  Am I laughing at political jokes at the expense of others?  Do I read and enjoy negative gossip about various loud, left-leaning actors, politicians, and business moguls?"  

Basically, I was asking, “What am I ingesting?” I felt like the Lord was warning me to be careful.  I have found that the political spirit is seductive and is a bedfellow with self-righteousness, meaning that the political spirit will always make me believe I am inherently better and more righteousness than the person who disagrees with me.  Yikes!

Back to the dream: let’s look at my initial observation - I needed to move closer to my friend to hear his voice.  In my last blog I shared about how intentional friendships with people of other ethnicities can break down racial barriers.  I have to be close enough to my African American bothers and sisters so that they feel comfortable sharing with me how they really feel.  When I truly hear someone’s heart, disagreement will no longer dip into disdain. Empathy breeds understanding.  

If I want to be someone with whom others can share their thoughts, I need to demonstrate that I listen, care, do not immediately get defensive, and am a safe sounding board.  

I thought I was doing pretty well in this area already, but the Lord obviously saw some weeds in my soul that needed uprooting.  Since the Lord gave me this dream, I have been learning how to lean in, listen, and learn from those that have a different perspective.  Bridge-building begins with me.  Peace-making begins with me.  As my good friend Quese would say, "Unity starts with me."

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”   Proverbs 5:9

"How good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell together in unity...for there the Lord bestows his blessing, even life forevermore." Psalm 133:1, 3b

Discussions on Civil Righteousness Pt. 2